21- HOPE Special Edition email sent to Kyle who is still struggling (6/15/23)

 21- To: Kyle Miller <yotes616@gmail.com>, Kyle Miller <yotesmiller@yahoo.com>

Subject: Hope

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  Kyle,

  
  

  I’m sorry to hear things at home aren’t going well for you and Bel. Speaking with you last night I could hear in your voice all the angst and frustration over it. No doubt it is exhausting for both of you. You both deserve so much better.

  
  

  I know there is no guarantee you will read this or give it any real thought or consideration, but I felt impressed to send it so I am going to. I love you too much to just quietly stand by and see you be so miserable. 

  
  

  One thing I love about you is that you don’t sugar coat things, you say what you think as you see it. With that said, I’m going to try to do the same here.

  
  

  Yes this is going to get what you call “churchy”. But there is a better word for it, it’s called REALITY! Whether you believe it or not, whether you like it or not, the only purpose for this earth, and for the humans that populate it, is to prove to see if we will be obedient to whatever our Heavenly Father has commanded us to do. 

  Playing the game of PIG in basketball one has to “prove it” before they are counted out. It’s no different with God’s plan for us. We have to prove it. Prove that we are willing to obey, to be tested to see if we will be honorable, reliable, and faithful stewards of all that we are promised to inherit from God. Think about it, if you had some crazy fortune to leave as an inheritance for your kids, but you knew from the way they lived their lives that they would squander it, would your really entrust them with it? You would want to prove that they were capable and willing and determined to manage and care for it.

  This isn’t rocket science! This is His PLAN. And everything you call “churchy” is His way of helping us prove it. Just like you love your kids and would do anything for them, our Heavenly Father loves us and wants to bless us with happiness and peace as we prove ourselves to Him. 

  
  

  Kyle, I see you as a very smart and capable person, so it boggles my mind sometimes when it appears that you don’t see the big pictured PLAN. Or worse, you see it, but fight against it. Why? 

  If a person can’t see the 10,000 ft view of the road below and where it leads, how in the world are they going to navigate their day to day journey very well? The answer is clear, they’re not! We need perspective if we are to have any chance at peace and happiness in all of this. And that most importantly applies at home between a husband and wife. It was created and meant to be so! So is it any great wonder that your marriage is struggling if you don’t have the foundation and perspective you are meant to have in the the design of His plan?

  
  

  Answer this for me: Do you fight the “churchy” because you have convinced yourself that is “not you”? That faith or religion is some label that people choose to wear to make themselves feel better, and doesn’t apply to you? If you really don’t believe any of it, then I say cut your losses and get divorced, it’s not worth all the heartache, headache, and disappointment you are experiencing . I can promise you it won’t get better without the Savior at the center of it all! 

  
  

  But if you do believe, or even want to believe or hope that it is true, what are you doing? Why are you dragging your feet on making this better? On letting Him make you better? Why are you fighting against everything that the Savior teaches us, and just keep going through the motions? When He says He is the way, and the only way, He means that very literally. HE IS THE ONLY WAY TO LASTING PEACE AND HAPPINESS! And that 100% applies to your marriage! 

  
  

  He’s not asking you to read your scriptures all day long and be a prude. He’s not asking you to not go play golf with your friends, or try to make a good living. He’s only asking you to trust Him to follow His teachings, His commandments. That’s it! It won’t make all your problems and troubles go away, but it will absolutely give YOU direction, understanding, happiness, and peace through the journey of it all!

  
  

  I have a favorite scripture that I quote all the time to my kids, and pretty much any teaching setting I’ve ever been placed in. It is found in the Book of Mosiah in the Book of Mormon. It says essentially this: Than the natural man in us is prone to fight against “the churchy” and everything that represents. We are born with the tendency to be selfish, proud, stubborn, contentious…. all of it. And the only way to overcome these natural tendencies the scripture says is to yield (to stop and give place) to the enticings of the Holy Ghost. To become submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, this is how we fight the natural man in us. Here is the actual scripture:

  “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Mosiah 3:19

  
  

  What you say you want from Bel is love and affection. A partner and best friend who has your best interests at heart and is loyal, caring, and giving. Someone who is completely trusting, and who genuinely cares about you. No doubt you deserve it! This kind of love you’re describing is pure love. The same kind of love the Savior has for each one of us, without attachments, or conditions. It is pure, without motive, guile, or pretense. It is opposite of the love the world teaches us to have.

  
  

  This is harsh, but I’m going to say it anyway. Your pride (we all have more than we should) is blurring your vision! The kind of love you are showing Bel is conditional. You are willing to go to bat for her, to get up in the morning and work your tail off, too run around doing errands, to clean the house, to let her sleep when her head hurts, and all you want in return is love, affection, and expressed appreciation. But no matter how you spell it out on paper, isn’t that still conditional? You feel tired, frustrated and under appreciated because she isn’t doing something or giving something back that you want or expect, or even need.

  What I am saying is LOVE her through it, with no strings attached. Love her into happiness, because that is all any good person really wants. Love her into being her best self. The byproduct of this kind of love will in time bring everything you want from her into your marriage, but it will come naturally, with no conditions attached. No manipulation, no expectation, just a natural byproduct of Christlike love. This kind of love doesn’t keep score, or hold grudges, or run out of patience or effort. It is to love like Jesus Christ loves us.

  
  

  The Savior teaches us that we should turn the other cheek when someone is unkind to us, or to love our enemies as ourselves, or to do good to those who despitefully use us. This is true love, this is the kind of love eternal marriages are built on.

  
  

  How do you do it? By being a true, loyal, and faithful disciple of Jesus Christ. Remember, he is at the very center of the whole point of our existence. How stupid are we to try to leave him out of all of this? Do you really think lightening struck a mud puddle somewhere millions of years ago and we came to be? Or that life ends, we die, and the lights go out for ever, that’s it? That our 98 year old prophet who exudes goodness and light is just sitting there stone faced and lying through his teeth. That Joseph Smith just sat down and wrote 530 pages of gibberish, and it just happens to bring clarity and power to any earnest seeker of truth? 

  
  

  Ask yourself these questions:

  What is your first natural tendency when Bel is unkind or unthoughtful to you? 

  Do you ever feel like she takes advantage of you, or your her? What’s your natural response?

  In all the contention, arguing, and butting of heads, does it not feel like you are in opposite positions? Isn’t that the definition of enemy? 

  Now think about what the Savior is commanding you to do. To patiently turn the other cheek, to swallow your pride and not lash out with verbal abuse. To do for her what you would genuinely want done for yourself. To do good for her even when you feel taken advantage of. 

  All this while expecting nothing in return, doing it strictly out of love and obedience to the one who gave the command in the first place ,Jesus Christ.

  
  

  Remember how you felt after General Conference and hearing President Nelson’s talk on being a Peacemaker?  I remember your expression while talking to you about it. You said that he hit it right on the head. You know that his words are true. But knowing it and doing it or applying it in your life are two totally different things. Look at the list made from that President Nelson’s talk. Compare these gifts/attributes/characteristics of Christ on the left to those of the World and of Satan on the right. Then ask yourselves what ones you choose to fill your life with.

  
  

  
  

  A Disciple of Jesus Christ / Satan’s Playbook

  Peace	Contention
  Gentleness	Anger
  Humilty	Pride
  Selfless	Selfish
  Meek	Defensive
  Kind	Jealous
  Long suffering	Inpatient
  Beseeching	Belligerent
  Understanding	Animosity
  Respectful	Rude
  Enabling	Degrading
  Patient	Impulsive
  Submissive	Stubborn
  Full of Love	Full of Hate
  Purity	Vulgarity, Unchaste
  Child Like	Childish
  Accountability	Blame

  
  

  Here is the beautiful or terrible truth! You get to CHOOSE what you fill your life, your heart, your mind, and ultimately your marriage with. Not choosing is choosing! We live in a fallen world and come into it with fallen natural tendencies. So going through the motions and not actively choosing will only fill our tank with the garbage attributes the world offers us. Just look around!

  
  

  I know I only see a glimpse of what you are dealing with, and can only draw a picture off what I see and hear from you. I couch that with with this: Kyle I believe you to be a very good and giving person. You have personality in spades, and have so much to offer. But you could be and give so much more! We all can. You need to decide that His way is more important to you than the world’s way. If we put Jesus Christ first and center in our lives He can make us into “the best versions of ourselves”. That version of ourself is happy, at peace, and anxiously doing good. But we must choose it!

  
  

  If you were to to strive to implement these Christlike attributes of being a Peacemaker that we each have been commanded to be, can you begin to see how he will transform you? Can you see how this would transform your marriage?

  Go down the list and asses yourself. Don’t think about Bel and what she is bringing to the table, think about yourself as you evaluate each characteristic. Be truthful as you consider where you can improve. The “churchy” word for this improvement is called repentance. Don’t get hung up on the word, just focus on the principle of choosing to become better.

  
  

  How can you eliminate the worldly in your life and start implementing  the Christlike? A better question is what can and will you do to feel the Holy Ghost more consistently in your everyday life?

  
  

  If you continue to put off your personal spiritual growth, doing the little things that prophets for ages have been telling us to do, your hope to find peace and happiness that is lasting won’t be attainable. 

  
  

  At the beginning of the Book of Mormon Lehi receives a vision of the Tree of Life. He describes the fruit of the tree (the love of God) as the most desirable of all things. At one point in the vision, after he has eaten the fruit, he sees his family and pleads with them to come and join him. His wife and some of his children follow him. But two of his sons simply won’t come. We can speculate reasons why they wouldn’t, but we know it had something to do with the spacious building and those in it (pride of the world) that kept them away. They wouldn’t let what ever the world was offering go. 

  
  

  Kyle you are free to choose to come to the tree the prophet is calling you to. We have a prophet that leads and guides us. There is nothing complex about it. Everyday we can give our Heavenly Father a little bit of our time. Time devoted to feeling the Holy Ghost and hearing and heeding the promptings of the Spirit . These promptings will guide us in our decision making and strivings. Forgiveness through repentance will give a desire to become more like our Savior everyday. It really is that simple.

  
  

  *Faith in God (we show faith by being obedient)

  *Repentance ( we have a broken and humble heart as we seek needed changes in our lives)

  *Endure to the end (live the teachings of the Gospel and follow God’s prophet to the end)

  
  

  Quit kicking against the pricks. Quit beating your head against the same wall. Jus turn your life over to Him. Trust me, the world has conditioned us to feel like saying that is “cheesy” or out of touch. I know I am so far from perfect it isn’t even funny. But I can say that my Heavenly Father and His plan are the very most important thing in my life. That every day I am trying to do as Jesus would do as I interact with people and most importantly my family. I fail over and over again, literally everyday, but the Savior never prevents me from continuing to try, and there is so much peace and joy in that.

  
  

  I Love you buddy! I know you can do this! I know that if you choose, this will bring you the happiness and joy you are seeking. 

  
  

  Roarke